The Noises Continue

saw the world through a tinted daze
choking and losing the mind
in an enchanting maze.
soaked pillows, burning eyes,
longing to scream for help.

Put on a smile, pretend a brave front,
all for the strong soul you want to be
petrified of what if you reveal
the human stories
of falling and stumbling in delusion.

the shattering sounds
of the broken pieces
self hate swam across the heart
the spewing disdain
tormented the nights
standing in the corner
of this mounting agony

learning to rest the soul
as a new day approaches
oh, relax darling
and ignore the demons
it’s all in the head
tearing you apart
dragging you
near a permanent escape

the empty promises
and aching loss
grieving nerves
and decaying body
ceasing to inhale
and break free
from a reckless seduction
of surrender

penetrating deeper and deeper
is the lure of an embrace
so magical
filling up the windpipes
with a harrowed sense
of dread gushing over.

Covid-19: The Reawakening

1pm EDT : 
 

My mom on phone : How is the current situation in Toronto?

Me : Not bad. Longo’s is still open and the husband was smart enough to stock up extra hand sanitizers prior to the outbreak. In short, we can’t complaint. 

After wishing a peaceful night to my mom in India, I happen to stumble upon a mutual contact on my Instagram who had been following me for last couple of years. Somehow not by intention, but the follower went unheeded. It is only now that I followed him back, I nearly jumped out of my skin. This takes me back to my India or to be precise, Mumbai and airline days when an old acquaintance of mine was a struggling model, and an aspiring actor in Bollywood. He later was associated and friends with many top model turned actors from the industry. It so happened that the husband and I also watched one of his movies recently on Netflix where he played a second lead only to our findings in a week’s time that he is dead now. Though I never followed or worshiped this actor, he was a familiar face and extremely lovable for his remarkable fitness and dancing skills more than his acting potential. He had put an end to his life back in December, 2019, which was all over my news feed yet I failed to notice it. Not that I knew him closely or personally, but the whole idea of a life being erased from a common circle of people is painful. And what makes it more shocking – his demise wasn’t owing to a tragic accident or some prolonged ill health but suicidal. To infer, the average human life is relatively short. The most jovial and smiling heart could be fighting the deepest and darkest personal battle behind closed doors and the world might not even have inkling. Despite this extended isolation and the subsequent boredom that might be distressing a lot of us, life haven’t come to a pause for many as opposed to the countless lives lost due to this deadly disease. And this is what it took to realize that we have yet another day to wake up to.

The camera of my mind is cut to the fading sun towering above the skyscrapers of an unusually quiet downtown Toronto while I stand still at the railing of my balcony. The next thing that my eyes catch the sight of is this high-rise opposite to us which were still under construction when I left the city last year for my India visit. When I returned, just in time for my birthday this March and we weren’t still anticipating the prolonged lockdown, it was ready to go. The structure was right there for last two years, growing little by little like a baby, but I never really had a chance to stop by and observe how startlingly brand new it looked. It was mesmerizing to see that it stood tall amidst all the chaos but somehow escaped my eyes until the endless roars of the stadiums were disrupted. How the bustling train stations on a Monday morning, the crowded concerts every week, the packed pubs on a Friday night and life in itself had to come to a halt in order for us to spot these tiny details. 

5:00pm EDT:

Lying in a bed of incertitude I am penning a note to myself: this lull phase is neither a curse, nor the echo of a conquering pestilence, but the whispering of a greater force. This agony is a reminder of the cosmic prowess that has made the mighty kneel down and we are just pygmies If we are to evade this truth. It’s time to loosen the threads of our latent insecurities, prejudices and avarice. It’s time to fall in with the rebirth that has never been easy but is happening now. It’s time to acknowledge this global health crisis and what is actually in our control. It is to surrender between this panic and trust. It is to accept this imposed breakaway from the old “normality” and the indirect and positive consequences that this catastrophe could usher in. It is solely our vulnerability as well as our fortified inclinations that will decide how quickly we could shift to a safer ground. And when we do, what are we going to do with a renewed life and a newborn world? 

Sometimes this silence baffles me. Watching and learning through my formative years how the relationship between mankind and nature is always unyielding, I have often craved social distancing in an overpopulated world. There have been times when I have desperately looked for ways to hide and only be available for my family and close friends. Now that we are all making an effort to listen to how the world sounds without music, festivals and choirs, we have become more sensitive, more circumspective and more human than ever before. Nothing has changed, other than an invitation coming along our doorstep urging to heal, to breathe, to ask questions and most importantly, to be responsible. 

Feels like it’s been ages I checked with the pregnant girl at my nail salon and her exceptionally caring mother in law who would make her delicious “Nachni Laddoos” (Red Millet Jaggery Balls). How I wish I had the girl’s personal number to ask when is she due and how’s she coping with all this. The trauma and anxiety that a new mother must be going through during this quarantine is unimaginable. The fact sheet tells, during March 22 and April 4, hospitals in New York have screened more than two hundred expectant women for the virus and 15% of them tested positive for COVID-19. 

8:00pm EDT:

Dinner is done, trying to be productive and have my computer spring cleaned. Time to go through unnecessary files. Good old memories popped up and a sudden thought to check on an old domestic help who made my maidenhood life easy. Sometimes when I do my “bartan” (dishes) now, I miss this chatterbox and how she would slip into her sob story and leave the tap running. Ever since the lock-downs were announced across different parts of the world, the domestic abuse reports have also rapidly shot up. “Roopa” bai was no exception but just another victim to such insane and “intimate terrorism”. Every time I tell my husband how tranquil our floor at 3am on a Sunday morning has turned into, the other side of the world must be making it unbearable for Roopa to keep her body and soul together. Envision the howling of her drunkard husband followed by the helpless wailing of my old familiar face that would show up every morning all smiles with a big red bindi on her forehead. Why haven’t I thought of her all these years? Why is this yearning to protect the defenseless now when all I can do is only pray? Thanks to Vonage and Face time on my cellular device that allows a virtual travel across oceans. Thanks to life for granting some time for extra “thanks-for-calling”s and “I-love-you”s from those who are at the highest risk for getting affected by this pandemic. Sometimes, as human as we could be, with all our idiosyncrasies, we get caught up in our own minds and refuse to take note of any signs – big or small, showing us that we are one step closer to something better. 

Social media is like a bazaar full of buffoons. It can lambaste bigwigs such as our honorable screaming carrot demon for an entirely derelict nation under his (mis)governing. But it can also portray life through a commoner’s diary with colorful jokes and memes for a good measure of laugh. One such hilarious representation that is making a hit off late is the miseries of dating couples under the lock down. As a matter of fact, significant number of weddings and engagements have been called off or postponed. The uncertainty of “when are we meeting” is unfathomable. It is not so easy to empathize with someone craving for a touch or missing how they briefly made love in the kitchen when everyone was brought to their feet as the Raptor won NBA. Simply because your situation is starkly contrasting, possibly better or worse because you might be either expressing gratitude for having your husband/wife and partner confined with you beneath the same roof or you might be hysterically choosing the bathroom as the only bolt for freedom where you could use your phone for once without being surveiled. 

I made up my mind last week to consider this as our midyear holiday. I know the husband most likely thinks I’ve gone bananas, but don’t the visits from one room to another with a bunch of chores outlined for the day make it a full circle of a Las Vegas trip? Cooking with what are available sounds just fine but it never hurts to decorate the inside of the fridge literally like a tropical bar, and voila! I can bend the day to my desire reading, writing, binging on “Paranormal Survivor’ and sipping on that Strawberry Mojito. God bless all those mamas and papas running laps around the house catching up with too many adventures of Winnie the Pooh! 

11pm EDT: 

My elder aunt has a strangely sweet and humorous tune playing when I try to reach her. Even her phone services are now alarmed with the enormity of this world wide disaster. It never misses to remind you to wash your hands, wear a mask and maintain physical distancing. As she wishes me on a Bengali New Year’s eve, she’s like “It’s strange how we are embarking on another year my dear, and this change has offered us so much to contemplate.” 

I can’t believe how apt those words were. In last four weeks’ self isolation, my inner self has been more contented than I felt in months. The feeling is pretty surreal when you can remain low key and constantly connect with the voices inside your head. Through my prayers and my meditations I have been etching out my own silhouette and meeting my alter ego every day. Why have I never ever tried discerning the profound helplessness of caged animals in the zoo? Why haven’t I witnessed how promptly the Mother Earth is capable of regenerating when the collective human interference seizes? Oh heck, I missed so much, including the revelation of how incredible my other half is with his baking techniques. At least my occasional dark chocolate cravings can now be looked after. The vegan way of course!

Covid-19 : An Unprecedented Chapter

Past two weeks have truly been a grounding time for the entire humanity. Too often we underestimate the power of compassion and the belief in coexisting with nature. This phase of self isolation has taught me, rather is still teaching me some of the most crucial things about life that are beyond what we consider as essential for our survival. The atrocities of Covid 19 has gifted us with a clearer sky, left us with less cars, less planes, and subsequently less pollution. Our stress, panic and constant intolerance to acclimate to the new way of being has also blessed our environment with a spin off effect to slowly heal itself. I have not been waking up to the noisy vehicles on our busy downtown Toronto streets nowadays, but solely looking out for the peeping sun through our blacked out bedroom windows. This in itself is hope.

The uncertainty while picking up groceries - what if the current stock of fruits and vegetables doesn’t last us until everything is replenished again, is a reminder that nothing is forever. I don’t know why but I tend to value every little detail way more than I ever did. I do not have a child or an older member at home who are at a higher health risk but my concern and alertness revolving around my husband’s and my own health has redoubled. I do not eat meat or chicken, but I ensure spending more time in the kitchen thawing, washing, cleaning and cooking them to perfection for the one I love. Earlier, with my crazy schedule I have been self-absorbed and somewhat ignorant of how someone else is continuously toiling over making my life smooth and easy at the cost of their own safety. Too often we forget to show our gratitude to these real heroes providing frontline services who don’t wear a superman’s cape but undoubtedly a shield of sheer courage. Many a times when we complaint about life being imperfect, we tend to overlook the grave reality of how it has never been easy for some. Comparatively I always had, and still manage to have it better than most do in certain conditions. My heart swells in pride to call the brave guy at the front desk of my apartment an acquaintance that never misses to drop a smile at me despite these difficult times. I have realized that I might have been selfish too, since I have the privilege to sit at home and write emails yet crib to my husband how I miss going out for a movie. On the contrary, my front desk friend has no choice but to get exposed outside and take a train back home to Mississauga. During this time I am regrouping my thoughts over how I perceive life and the various scenarios that many of us must go through and a lot of us don’t have to. Equality and kindness are two absolutely basic traits that keep us humble and connected to each other. But many a times, that feeling of belonging to one another goes lacking in our day to day journey.

Last couple of weeks have brought a strange sense of peace and joy helping my husband run the washer and drier multiple times, making beds together and cleaning the whole house. I feel these boons of being entitled to receive a few weekly services; had made us way too dependent on other people for our own comfort. We were so helplessly crippled amidst all the work load and managing our time, that we started devaluing our own capabilities. Being pushed to our limits now and owing to the current compulsions, we do not have cleaners coming into the house anymore and on a brighter side, I actually like our bed better with the tad bit faultily done sheets.

I have always loved being home and spending more time with family where as the husband is keener on going out. Now unfortunately, he is left with no option for weekend date nights at The Keg Steakhouse or Copacabana. So we are convinced to stay limited within our mental globes and conveniently travel across our living area to the dining space for a romantic self cooked candle light dinner. And the bonus happens to be; our imaginations also spare us from the traffic and the cops on guard around the Scotia Bank Arena that used to be mercilessly compromising on our personal time. It’s ironical how we brood over not having enough time to read, meditate, work out and catch up with friends and relations in normal times. Now that self isolation is the only way, we want to step out and do everything that we aren’t supposed to. I know it’s not just me but also many like me who have been taking these as granted and have barely been thankful for the fact that these are actually luxuries and not necessities but have steadily and perpetually become a part of our lifestyle.

I don’t know about others but I have started counting my blessings that the gyms are closed now and will remain so for god knows how long! I feel fortunate enough that my parents raised me to have a sound health that can still gather the strength and stamina in my thirties to use the basement staircase of my building for a jump, climb and squat session. The truth is, I do not require a treadmill to stay fit. This phase has been like a savior for my natural and real self too. Additional time invested in introspecting and reflecting has predominantly helped boost the overall health of my skin and hair as well as my immune system. Due to long shoots and extended working hours I would have to dress up all the time, show up in perfect hair and makeup which happens to be an integral part of my job and I absolutely love what I do but at the same time there’s a need at times to slow down, take a break and let your inner self breathe. Too often our jobs condition us in a way particularly if one belongs to the showbiz or to put it in other words - the world of glamour, that we always need to be in the public glare and more often than not get scrutinized too. I never knew how refreshing it could be to spend your days in pajamas or kaftans. I also chipped one of my nails the other day that I can’t fix until the nail salons open up again but that is completely ok. These messy hair days with no styling and the afternoons that I spend lathering some of the purest ingredients traditionally recommended by the moms and grand moms followed through generations are things that I look forward to. The unsurety of returning to this phase again makes me fall in love with the present all the more.

The freedom of not making any plans and the anxiety of failing to avail them could be so very liberating. While I have been submerged in making the grade all this while, I have too often missed on the simple pleasures of reaching out to every member in my family. These days have been the most gratifying in terms of speaking to all those matter daily. In these vulnerable moments of hunting for millions of masks, gallons of hand sanitizers and with the unprecedented deaths happening across the planet, it’s important to take a note of what this process sums up to each one of us. I consider myself lucky that I am still surviving this. If you are too, it is faith, hope, patience and determination that have kept you going.

Life is fragile, cherish it. Learn to crash down the man made belief that negativity is more realistic. In such hapless times it is your own choices that appear as the most prominent voice in your head. If you let it sink into the realm of nothingness, the lockdown shall conquer as permanent. I urge everyone to stay home, stay safe. But keep praying. The positive energy of coming together turns the sky eventually bluer and to quote Paulo Coelho, “all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”.